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Top 5 Reasons People Lie

By Tequila Cheatham McCray

Question #1: How much do you value the truth? Oh really? Question #2: When was the last time you lied about something? Now, go back and ask yourself question number one again. Let’s be honest: We all have lied at some point or another for whatever reasons. Maybe if you told your spouse you cheated last year, there is a strong possibility that he/she would end up leaving you; Your children may tell a story about not writing on the wall because they are afraid you would be mad and put them on punishment; Maybe you told your mother you don’t have money to lend her this week even though you just got paid but you don’t want to contribute to her alcohol problems. No matter the case, people lie for many different reasons.

  1. They are afraid to disappoint their loved one. Have you ever heard of the phrase, “I lie to you because I care about your feelings?” What? It doesn’t make sense when it I said aloud but what they may really be saying is they don’t want to disappoint you for doing something they wanted to do in which you happen to be against.
  2. They are narcissists. They only care about their own personal gain. They do it to boost their careers and to make themselves look good. They could care less about your feelings, and they are very weak self-esteem issues. Someone who has confidence in themselves will not be afraid to tell you the truth, and they won’t wait for you to ask. They are be forthright and be willing to “suffer the consequences” of their actions and to continue to work on their behavior.  Let’s face it, no one is perfect but, narcissism is a personality disorder that can only be helped by medical professionals and a humbling experience.
  3. They don’t respect you or themselves. Honestly, a person who respects you would not lie to your face. They are taking your presence for granted. If someone truly honors your presence in their lives, they will do whatever it is necessary to make sure you stay, not cause you to be insecure and run you away. If that person knows how valuable you are and how much you add to their lives, they wouldn’t even disrespect self in that capacity because it shows self-hate. If one loves self, they’d be honest with self. This goes back to self-identity, and self-esteem; and, if they truly love self, they’d know what it means to love you. Love is not blatantly rude.
  4. They want to cover their mistakes.  Sometimes, people do make genuine mistakes. To avoid being judged by others, they’d rather lie and hope to still keep their reputation intact.  So, in essence, they are lying because they are protecting themselves from harsh critic from outsiders who may or may not understand. No one likes being misunderstood.
  5. You tolerate the lies. You thought this was just about them? Oh no, no,no, this is definitely about you too. You contribute to the string of lies that are being told to you. They know you are going to stay, take them back, or forgive them so they continue to tell half-truths, white lies, and cover up parts of the story because they can get away with it each and every time.

It’s time to change the way we use words. Honesty has become a heavy word that not everyone knows how to use because of…fear. That’s what it all boils down to: being afraid the truth may or may not set them free. If you simply lead by example by being straight forward in a tender way, it may ring the alarm for the person who’s on the other end but at least you came clean. You have the power to change the trajectory of how the world creates relationships. By laying a foundation of honesty, you will build trust. You are so quick to place value in areas that you cannot hold up yourself which is unfair, unrealistic, and wrong. Hold yourself accountable first, so we can do so with those around us.

Great Dates for You and Your Mate

By Tequila Cheatham

 

       First dates can often have a lot of pressure on them. Yes, pressure may build diamonds, but it also has the potential to burst pipes. One has to decide where to take the other based on information he or she has yet to collect. Dating should be fun, yet intentional. The point of the first date is to learn each other’s likes and dislikes, which is why many people play it safe by keeping it at a simple restaurant. Going out to dinner is not a bad date but, it is time to something different. If you are already in a relationship, it is time to spice it up. In the movie starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, “50 First Dates” we see that every date is  new and refreshing; Well, a lot has to do with the fact that she had a dementia but, we should not have to suffer a mental disability to enjoy ourselves.  Here are some ideas of great dates for you and your mate:

 

  1. The Park: This has to be one of my favorite dates because there is so much that can be bottled up from this experience. Walk the trail and get to know each other while enjoying nature; release your inner child by swinging on the swings or sliding down the slide. Your partner will experience the real you while being in the presence of something as real as nature. You can also have a picnic! Lunch and fun all in one!
  2. Wine Tastings: Support your local vineyard to taste some of their finest products. Not only will the both of you be able to enjoy using your palates, but you may also find a new favorite wine. Most of the time, vineyards give our free coupons for a glass of wine if you stay for dinner. That way, you can be a bit saucy and relaxed while talking to your date during dinner.
  3. Rollerblading/Skating/Biking: When was the last time you did something child-like such as rollerblading? Not only can the both of you get your exercise on, but you will have fun doing it. So what you may fall down a few times…well, if your mate catches you, imagine how romantic that would be. Attend a local rink, or find a trail outdoors.
  4. Poetry Lounge: How about visiting a poetry lounge to listen to some awesome artists in the community? To make it more exciting, challenge each other to sign-up for the open mic session! Never know what type of talents your mate/date may have…
  5. Arcades/Shooting Pool: If you’re looking for something fun and semi-sweet, attending an arcade would be ideal. Show your competitive nature against your date, win something for him, or enjoy talking smack over a game of pool. Believe it or not shooting pool can be romantic because there is still room for conversation, flirting, and even smacks on the butt when the other person is losing.
  6. Swimming: Being in an intimate pool setting can be fun. Not only can you show off your swimming skills, but you get to see what your babe looks like in a bathing suit. There is nothing wrong with imagining, and working up an appetite that will allow you to spend more time together.
  7. The Bookstore/Library: Although it may seem a bit dork-ish, going on the date to a bookstore or library can be fun. Nowadays, bookstores have coffee shops and lounging areas. You will also get into the mind of your date by seeing what type of book s/he takes interest in. If you’re lucky, you may come across a poetry reading, a book signing, or children’s reading that you can sit down and observe.
  8. Fishing: If you enjoy nature, why not go fishing? That way you will get to have hours of conversation “catching” up and getting to know one another; and, you can use the fish you catch for dinner later on that night, or to go towards another date night together.
  9. Dancing: Sign-up to learn the latest hip-hop move, or even salsa. If you have a great surround system in your home, even better! Turn on some music and get grooving in the privacy of your own home with no one else around to judge the both of you.
  10. Amusement Park: If you are willing to get your walk on, talk on, ride on, and eat on make plans to go have fun at a carnival or amusement park. Get tired out together.
  11. Drive-Thru Movies: Whether you are sitting in your car or on top of your car watching a movie, the drive-thru is much more informal than a regular movie theater. You can snapchat about your date, record your favorite parts, or just do something different like sitting on the roof of your car because you can. You may even be able to have a romantic make-out session the way they do in the films.
  12. Go See a Play: Plays may be similar to movies, but they are better! The live performance of a show will capture raw emotion from the both of you, and you will get to meet with some of the actors during the post-show which is very inspirational.
  13. Baseball Games: Now, the reason this category doesn’t say sporting events is because some of them are continuous and distracts from your mate. With baseball, there is enough time in between plays and throws to still hold dialogue, and just enough excitement in the crowd to experience some fun. Whether it’s grade school, colleges, or professional baseball, enjoy being outside, talking, and enjoying the view.
  14. Hiking: Hiking can occur during two seasons depending on how adventurous the two of you are. Hiking a trail during the Summer, or up a mountain during the winter can both be exciting, but dangerous. Beware.
  15. Art Museums: See how your mate interpret life by asking questions about a painting;
  16. Horseback Riding: Connect with nature and horses while you connect with one another.
  17. Pumpkin Hunting/Food Picking: Share a laugh and some great stories as you pick out a pumpkin for Halloween, or fruits and vegetables for dinner.
  18. Anything Artsy: Do something hands on such as pottery or painting, write poetry, or even have a cook off!
  19. Rock Climbing: See how well you work as a team, and how supportive and motivating you partner can be when you are putting your all into accomplishing a goal such as reaching the top of the mountain.
  20. Water Sports: From jet skiis, to water polo, to parasailing, get into action and get fit together while having fun in the sun.
  21. Massages: Couples massages are always a great idea. It eases the moment and promotes relaxation and conversation. It’s also preparation for the rest of the days activities.
  22. Take A Class: Take a Spanish class together, or order a learning kit and study every week together with plans to attend a Spanish country at the end of the year, if you’re really looking to spice up your relationship!
  23. Walk & Talk: One can never go wrong with a long walk down the street under the star lit sky. Not only is it intimate, it allows the guy to show off his chivalry skills. Which side does the sidewalk does your date walk on?
  24. Themed Party: Getting all dressed up to attend a 70’s or 80’s themed party can be fun! Not only is it fun to go shopping for the clothes, but it is even better to reminisce on a time in history together in a room full of people who are laughing and dancing. There is nothing wrong with seeing your partner juke and jive with a smile on the face.
  25. Games & Chill: There is nothing like staying home to play board games such as Monopoly, Sorry, or Chess. Not only does it increase brain activity, but it creates a bond. The intimate times you spend alone together is priceless and very much needed. The issue with the saying “Netflix & Chill” is that watching Netflix does not give you two the opportunity to converse. There aren’t any distractions except the two of you when games are inolved.

 

Whether you are going on a first date or spicing up your relationship, there are many fresh ways to come up with things to do for you and your mate/date.  Anything can be fun if there is a little bit of thought put into it. The date does not have to be perfect; it does not have to be the way they set it up on movies, unless you want it to be that way. There should not be any pressure to map out perfection, and it doesn’t have to be expensive to prove a point. Make it fun. Besides, it doesn’t matter what you are doing as long as nothing interrupts you getting to know one another.

Polyamory: The Old New Age Love

Polyamory: The Old New Age Love

By Tequila Cheatham

 

There is a new, yet old thing in town: polyamory, which according to dictionary.com, means: “The practice or condition of participating simultaneously in more than one serious romantic or sexual relationship with the knowledge and consent of all partners.” Now, before some of you get bent out of shape, let’s break down its definition.

Poly stands for “many,” and amour stands for “loves.” Let’s face it, not everyone believes in the idea of monogamy and one soul mate. The thought of being with one person for the rest of our lives can seem limiting. What happens when you meet someone with extreme natural chemistry? Should you deny yourself the privilege of getting to know others because of the standards society has placed on relationships? Out of seven (7) billion people on the Earth, the odds of meeting that ONE person seems unrealistic and far-fetched. Granted, there are some people who are monoamorous, meaning they are comfortable and in tune with loving one person; but many people are polyamorous and have the ability to freely love whomever they like.

Polygamy is prevalent in many cultures around the world and is even more accepted in Western society than said, polyandry or polyamory. Since all three are illegal in the United States unless practiced under a specific religion, people are resorting to having multiple loves without the pressure of a marriage certificate and state involvement.  They are creating their own written contracts and having them viewed by a lawyer.

People confuse polyamory with cheating. The difference between the two is cheating involves dishonesty, while polyamorous relationships are about open honesty and straightforwardness. No matter how difficult the topic, it is vital to the poly relationships to be “real.” We all know it takes work and pro-activity in order to make a mono relationship work but, it takes three (3) times as much work to make poly relationships a success. It also involves self-awareness which for some, may not discover until they are in poly relationships, or any relationship for that matter. You see, being in poly relationships, one learns how to compromise from multiple angles, how to balance life & work, and it also teaches about strengths and weaknesses. It takes more than a big heart to make poly relationships function. It takes patience, resilience, respect, understanding, and communication, communication, communication! It takes an open mind and creativity. If everyone can work together to build, it reaps many benefits. Poly relationships can act as a mini community if done correctly; but, it takes people who have similar goals and mindsets as well as hearts. Whether it is a sexual, intellectual, or emotional relationship, they vary based on your poly needs, knowing thyself, and knowing the people you love.

 

Pic credit polyamorydefinition.com

 

 

References:

“polyamorous”. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. 19 Mar. 2017. <Dictionary.com http://www.dictionary.com/browse/polyamorous>